Lesson Five
Commitment
One of the most prominent characteristics of the hook-up culture is that there is no expectation of any sort of commitment between hook-up partners. Researcher Meg Lovejoy found that many young people rejoice in this aspect of the hook-up culture stating that, it gives them “freedom from romantic obligations” (4). Is freedom from commitment really freedom?
In the hook-up culture you can have the sex, but you can’t have the intimate and supportive relationship that is supposed to go with it. An unspoken rule in the hook-up culture is that the hook-up remains meaningless to both parties (3). Remember, however, that more often than not, one partner will develop unrequited feelings for the other, making the hook-up never truly meaningless.
What is Commitment?
One of the most universal love stories of all time is The Princess Bride. It is a classic example of lasting commitment. For those who do not know the story, in the beginning, the main characters, Westley and Buttercup, fall deeply in love. Westley however wishes to provide a good life for Buttercup, so he leaves her with intentions to return financially stable. However, Westley, supposedly dies at the hand of pirates and does not return. Buttercup mourns the loss of her love and reluctantly accepts the proposal from Prince Humperdinck.
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Buttercup is suddenly kidnapped by three men and is saved by the mysterious Dread Pirate Roberts. In the clip below, Buttercup asks the pirate about her Westley and the Dread Pirate Roberts then questions her about her “enduring faithfulness” or in other words her commitment to Westley.
Watch the video below of the commitment they had.
In Westley’s eyes, commitment to a relationship extends beyond time and death. As he says at the end of the clip, “Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.”
Westley’s term, “enduring faithfulness” is also a good way to describe commitment. When you are committed to a person, you have a belief that the relationship is good and that it will last. You are willing to put your all into making the relationship withstand the test of time and trials.
Why Commit?
When we commit to others, we show them we are invested in the relationship. We are willing to serve, love, and support each other. Commitment helps people feel loved and important (1). Without commitment one partner is often left feeling confused about where the relationship stands. Ambiguous commitment doesn’t allow for shared meaning within the relationship and one partner is often more committed to the relationship than the other.
In the video below, Dr. Scott Stanley explains what ambiguous commitment does to relationships.
Dr. Stanley continues discussing the importance of commitment in the video below.
Levels of Commitment
As we mentioned before, commitment can mean different things in different contexts or situations. This is because there are different levels of commitment depending on where you are in the dating process.
What’s important to note from the diagram above is that each level of commitment is a step in the staircase. Different levels of commitment are required at each step. However, we want to be clear that a couple needs to move from one step to another intentionally. It must be a mutual decision. You can’t slide into the next step or phase of the relationship. You have to talk about the direction the relationship is going. Having these discussions at each step minimizes confusion and helps avoid what Dr. Stanley calls an “asymmetrical relationship.”
Questions to Consider
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What level of commitment are you at?
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What happens if you never talk about which level you are at with your partner?
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How does the hookup culture impact levels of commitment?
Conclusion
Just like some believe that the hookup is freedom from commitment, we firmly believe that commitment gives us freedom. Madeleine L’Engle said, “If we commit ourselves to one person for life, this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession but participation” (2). Commitment destroys the ambiguity of the hookup culture and brings to light the essential need for healthy relationships.
This week we invite you to consider the romantic commitments in your life. How commitment within relationships have benefited your life. We also encourage you to discuss and evaluate your own level of commitment. Does it match that of your partner? What can you do to personally strengthen your commitment in your relationship? We would love to hear from you!
References
1. Chan, A. (2012, March 11). Why Love Isn't Enough to Sustain A Marriage. Retrieved from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-is-more-important-lo_n_1160548
2. Commitment Quotes (628 quotes). (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/commitment
3. Hookup Culture: The Unspoken Rules Of Sex On College Campuses. (2017, February 14). Retrieved from https://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=514578429
4. Lovejoy, M. C. (2015). Hooking up as an individualistic practice: A double-edged sword for college women. Sexuality & Culture, 19, 464-492.
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