Lesson Six
Love
As we’ve mentioned in a previous lesson, love is a recently new development in the dating process. In the past, love was not a reason to form lasting relationships. As history progressed, love became essential to the dating world and it became the driving force for many relationships. But as the hook-up culture has taken hold of the dating world, love has taken on a different meaning.
Understanding Love
Before we dive in too deep, we need to fully understand what love is. According to researcher Victor Karandashev, “romantic love is characterized by strong affection and preoccupation with love, unrealistic and idealistic attitude toward a partner, and feeling that l’amour toujours – love forever that never ends and is always there” (1).
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While this is a good definition, it’s kind of a vague and broad. We have found that too often the word love is used in many different contexts and at times it can get confusing.
A question we would like you to contemplate is, “is being in love and loving someone different?” We would like to propose that it is. Professional life coach and relationship expert Kemi Sogunle said, “Being in love with someone can stem from infatuation, possessiveness and obsession. Loving someone on the other hand, goes beyond the physical presence. You desire to see them grow, you see past their flaws, you see opportunities of building into each other and together; you motivate, encourage and inspire one another” (2).
Most who participate in the hook-up culture
either focus on “being in love” or just the physical aspect, if they even think about love at all. While being in love is a beautiful experience, our goal should be to build on that feeling and eventually get to a point where we love them beyond the “physical presence”.
Using Your Head & Your Heart
Now, we can all probably agree that love plays a major part in forming relationships. Just because love is a factor doesn’t mean that it is the only one. Remember how we talked about the importance of getting to know someone? Getting to know someone requires you to use your head, not just your heart. Therefore, love cannot be the only driving force.
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Dr. Van Epp states, “Too often people act on the belief that being in love entitles them to stop taking in and analyzing information about their partners. The assumption is that love itself will take care of all that is to come, including maintaining the relationship. Love is conceived as an either-or phenomenon. You either are in love, or you are not. And if the love switch is thrown on, the brain switch is turned off” (3). The head has to work in tandem with the heart in order for healthy relationships to form and last.
Questions to Consider
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How can we use both our head and our heart?
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Why do we need to understand love?
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How has the hook-up culture impacted the way we see love?
So, What’s Love Got to Do with It?
When we use both our head and our heart, happy, healthy relationships flourish. As we learn what a date is and how to date, we use our head to get to know our partner. The more we know about our partner, the more we will be willing to commit ourselves to them.
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The constant through this process should be our heart. Love should exist wherever we are in the process. It will be a different kind of love every step of the way, but it should still be there. Love is what drives us to be better, love is what helps us to improve and love in relationships allows us to put our partner before ourselves. As we learn how to love someone, truly and deeply, we become better versions of ourselves.
Do you have a long-lasting love or a temporary chemical high?
“True love doesn’t happen right away; it’s an ever-growing process. It develops after you’ve gone through many ups and downs, when you’ve suffered together, cried together, laughed together.”
– Ricardo Montalban
Watch the video below about love and the impact it has on Senior couples.
Questions to Consider
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How has love helped you be a better partner?
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What experiences have helped you understand the importance of love?
What Now?
The individualistic hook-up culture will lose its grasp on you as you focus on the things you have learned through these lessons. Reflect on the experiences you’ve had while you’ve read and participated. Is there anything you learned that you want to incorporate in your own life? Is there anything you realized you need to change? We firmly believe that we can break away from the hook-up culture and we encourage you to learn more about ways to create happy and healthy relationships. We also encourage you to share what you’ve learned with others in person and on social media. Together we can create a new culture where happy and healthy relationships can grow and flourish everywhere.
References
1. Karandashev, V. (2015). A Cultural Perspective on Romantic Love. Online Readings in Psychology and Culture, 5(4). https://doi.org/10.9707/2307-0919.1135
2. Powerofpositivity. (2018, August 05). 6 Differences Between Loving Someone and Being In Love. Retrieved from https://www.powerofpositivity.com/difference-loving-someone-love/
3. Van Epp, J., & Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk. [electronic resource] : the foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. New York : McGraw-Hill, c2007. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=cat03146a&AN=BYUID.4206116&site=eds-live