Lesson Four
Know
“The best way to truly learn about another person is to take the time needed to truly get to know them before making a commitment to them” (1). Dating allows you to get to know someone before deciding if you want to commit to that person and enter an exclusive relationship with them. Sometimes people will rush getting to know someone or skip getting to know them altogether and jump into an exclusive relationship right away. Is it really that important to know someone before committing to them?
Knowing Someone Takes Time
Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, says this about taking the time to get to know a potential partner:
“One of the most common ways people are set up to get involved with a jerk is by accelerating the pace of a relationship. You run an extremely high risk of thinking that you know your partner deeply, when you actually only know that person in superficial ways. The initial and overwhelming feelings of closeness and connection cloak the problems that eventually will turn you off. Because of your accelerated relationship, you become infected with the love-is-blind syndrome and run the high risk of making a commitment to someone you later realize is a jerk.”
When we take the time to get to know someone by going on multiple dates with them, we develop an understanding of who they are, who their family is, why they think the way they think, what their likes and dislikes are and so forth. By getting to know someone we can determine if this is the type of person, we want to exclusively date.
Below is a great video where Dr. Van Epp explains the importance of knowing the person you date.
One story that came to our minds about the importance of knowing someone before you commit to them (or in this case marry them) is from the movie Frozen. In the movie there is a princess named Anna whose sister throws a ball. At the ball Ana meets a prince who is the youngest of 12 brothers. Anna instantly feels a spark and connection with this prince named Hans. She and Hans want to get married, yet they have only just met that night.
Watch Anna and Hans “fall in love.”
Now watch Anna and Hans tell Elsa they want to get married.
After watching these videos, it is clear Hans and Anna think they love each other, but as Van Epp said earlier, they only know each other in superficial ways. They only know minimal details about their families and not much else. Hans and Anna didn’t take the time to get to know each other before committing to a long-term relationship which doesn’t turn out great for Anna.
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Later in the story we find out that Hans is not who Anna thought he was. Hans’ main goal was to take over Anna and Elsa’s kingdom. He didn't care about Anna or anyone else he hurt on the way to power.
See how Hans explains his plan to Anna.
Questions to Consider
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Why is it important to observe others and how they act on a date?
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How have you seen others treat you on a date within the relational setting?
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What is the most important thing to know about someone you date?
Get to Know Questions
Asking open ended questions on dates is a good way to get to know people. Below are some get to know you questions that we think would be interesting to talk about on a date:
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If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
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What do you value most in a friendship?
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What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
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How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
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What’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?
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Where is the most interesting place you’ve been?
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For more get to know you questions check out these websites!
https://www.scienceofpeople.com/deep-questions-to-ask-your-significant-other/
https://conversationstartersworld.com/questions-to-get-to-know-someone/
Conclusion
The more we focus on getting to know someone, the more we break away from the hookup culture and form stronger, more meaningful relationships. We encourage you to take time this week to really get to know one person better. Ask them good open-ended questions, observe them in different settings, and reflect on how they treat you. Tell us in the comments below about your experiences getting to know someone this week and how that has benefited you.
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References
1.Shatto, R. (2018, December 17). 3 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Making It Exclusive With Someone. Retrieved from https://www.elitedaily.com/p/heres-how-long-you-should-date-before-becoming-exclusive-with-someone-3250974​
2.Van Epp, J., & Van Epp, J. (2007). How to avoid falling in love with a jerk. [electronic resource] : the foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind. New York : McGraw-Hill, c2007. Retrieved from https://byui.idm.oclc.org/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=cat03146a&AN=BYUID.4206116&site=eds-live